Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I’m a seismologist.

Me: No way! Can you…

Date: Please don’t.

Me: …guess my height?

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.