Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit