Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

Pickled cat.

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.