Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss