Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.

it was a valiant fight

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.