Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

Meth is short for Elizameth.

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

it be like that

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi: