Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

Good morning

🤣🤣

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree