Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

I forgot how to panic. Help

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

no cat here

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.