Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zack Greinke stories are the best

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

Reporter: *ports again*

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.