On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
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When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*