Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

The news is so predictable nowadays

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.