On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
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I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
new record!
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.