On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
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I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
how much does a mortician urn in a year
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.