On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
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Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
here we go again
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
😭😭
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”