@eileencurtright

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

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@notsoevilrick

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

@Home_Halfway

I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.

@juneohara65

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

@boozemunkee

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

@_eric_alexander

I’m gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.

@krisv_723

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.