On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
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*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Who chose this font
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
everyone’s a critic
How I’d get arrested…
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.