On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
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Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
HERE’S MARKY
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful