Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

Fat chances are my favorite chances

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”