On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Realize this:
lmfao come on
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.