On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

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tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium


“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.


“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]


My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.


luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something


Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds


Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.