tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
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I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.