@Nickadoo

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

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@queer_queenie

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

@Love_bug1016

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

@AndyAsAdjective

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

@MomOfTeen

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

@BAKKOOONN

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

@Shenaniglenns

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

@rainerfm

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.