Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”