[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
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god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
