Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

🏙👨🏼

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.

it’s the silliest best thing

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm