On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
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Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?