On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
You Might Also Like
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who