On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
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Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I put the mess in domestic.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses