On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
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ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED