Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

secret recipe

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”