ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
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I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Its a hippotatomus
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet