Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale

Pretty good – Not good

Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks

It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going

Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life

Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it