ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
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8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I’m ready for Halloween this year
bros in the example zone 😭
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Now who done made this a sport lmao
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.