Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.