*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
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Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug