Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

the icebreaker

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

“The Perfect Relationship”

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta