Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.