Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.