Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?