[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*