[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.