“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
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How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
New tinder profile pic
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
This kid is going places
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
How funny!
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV