“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
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I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*