“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
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Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…