On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
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there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Wake me when AI does housework
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.