Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide