On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
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Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.