On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
You Might Also Like
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Spotted in New Orleans.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*