On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I’m being attacked 😭
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind