Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*