Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.