Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

Just a friendly reminder!

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.