On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
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Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
