Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

My zodiac sign is pistachio

Banderslack Clamberdorch

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

it’s finally my moment to shine

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

Nigella has gone too far this time.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-