On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
You Might Also Like
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Remember folks 😂
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.