On your first day of prison, go up to the biggest, scariest guy there, and ask him “Have you heard of updog?”

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her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen


I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.


Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor’s yard to cut it down is an art.


*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*


My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.


I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.


My 8 yr old son just told me Nutella is a delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

He’s ready for Twitter.