Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
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in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.