Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.