[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
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I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
Math at Halloween.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry