[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
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I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
don’t be scared
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
When I said I liked it rough.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
So that’s what we looked like?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.