Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

an airline just for babies.

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.