Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
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“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
The three genders