Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
Duck typos.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
