Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*