Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

Donkey Kong sommelier

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

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