Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
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Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
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Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?