Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

Banderslack Clamberdorch

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

“Did you read the fine print?”

Me: I didn’t even read the large print

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong