Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

😭😭😭

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

Friend: OMG, someone wrote “Wash Me B*tch!” on your car!

Me: Oh, I wrote that as a reminder to myself.

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

<—- homeless romantic

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch