Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
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My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
wow he looks just like him
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol