Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
why neck hurt
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
