Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
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no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
wtf is an acronym
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends