Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
You Might Also Like
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Self-cleaning conscience
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.