Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.